Working with Fear the Pema Chodron Way
Pema Chodron's approach to fear comes from Tibetan Buddhist traditions, specifically the practice of sending and taking, or tonglen. The core idea is straightforward: instead of running from uncomfortable feelings, you meet them directly and let them move through you. It sounds simple because it is simple, but simple doesn't mean easy. I first tried this around 2016 during a particularly rough period with work stress and what I later realized was undiagnosed anxiety. I sat down with the instruction to "smile at fear," breathed in the tightening sensation in my chest, and breathed out relaxation toward myself and others. The first three sessions were a disaster. I kept getting stuck in my head, analyzing whether I was doing it right. The fourth session, I stopped trying to do it correctly and just sat with the discomfort for ten minutes without fighting it. That's when something shifted. Not dramatically, not like a lightbulb moment, just a quiet loosening in my shoulders and the realization that the fear wasn't going to kill me.
Pema Chodron Smile At Fear
Here's how the actual practice works, stripped of the polished presentation you'll find in her books. Sit down in a position where you won't fall asleep. Set a timer for anywhere between ten and twenty minutes. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable, or keep a soft gaze on the floor. Bring your attention to your breath, not to control it, just to notice it. Then ask yourself honestly: what am I afraid of right now? Don't pick some abstract, philosophical fear. Pick something real. Maybe it's a specific email you haven't sent. Maybe it's the quiet dread you feel every Sunday evening. Whatever it is, name it. Once you've identified the fear, locate where it sits in your body. For most people, it's somewhere in the chest or stomach area. Some folks feel it in their throat or behind their eyes. Pay attention to the physical sensation, not the story your mind keeps telling you about why you're afraid. The story is secondary. The sensation is what you're working with.
Now here's the part most people get wrong: you don't try to relax the fear away. You don't replace it with positive thoughts. You breathe in through the tension, imagining you're breathing that tightness into yourself, and you breathe out, imagining you're releasing warmth or space in its place. The "smile" isn't a happy facial expression. It's an attitude of not fighting what's there. You're allowing the fear to exist without needing it to change. I found that using the breath as an anchor helps when the fear gets intense. If you start spiraling into worst-case scenarios, come back to the physical sensation of air moving in and out of your nostrils. That usually takes about thirty seconds to a minute and grounds you back in the present. One thing nobody tells you about this practice: it can make things worse before they get better. I remember one session where the anxiety spiked so hard I had to open my eyes and stand up. That's normal. The fear doesn't dissolve on the first try. You're building a muscle, essentially. Do it daily for at least two weeks before judging whether it works for you. Most people give up after three or four sessions and miss the point entirely.
Get the Full Details
There's also a common pitfall where people turn this into a form of spiritual bypassing, using the practice to avoid dealing with actual problems in their lives. If you have a real situation causing fear — say, an unsafe work environment or a toxic relationship — smiling at the fear doesn't replace taking action. The practice is about changing your relationship with the emotion, not about resigning yourself to bad circumstances. I learned that distinction the hard way after a few months of using tonglen to cope with a job that was clearly bad for me, when I should have been updating my resume instead. If you want to read more about this, Pema Chodron covers it extensively in When Things Fall Apart and Start Where You Are. Both are worth the read, though her later book is more accessible for beginners. You can find physical copies at most bookstores or libraries, and both are available as audiobooks if you prefer listening while walking or doing chores. The practice itself doesn't require any special equipment, apps, or memberships. You just need a quiet space and the willingness to sit with discomfort for a little while each day. That's it. That's the whole thing.
