Understanding the So Whats Your Proposal Approach
Bill Eddy is a family law attorney and therapist who spent decades dealing with high-conflict divorces. The "So Whats Your Proposal" method came out of that work. It's a communication technique designed to cut through the noise when you're dealing with someone who has a high-conflict personality. Instead of getting dragged into arguments about blame or past grievances, you redirect the conversation toward actionable proposals. The person responding then has to put something concrete on the table rather than just attacking. The core mechanism is deceptively simple. Someone sends you an angry message full of accusations. You reply with BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. Then you end with "So what's your proposal?" That question forces the other side to shift from emotional venting to actual problem-solving. Most people caught off guard will actually give you a workable suggestion instead of more drama. I first started using this around 2014. I was representing a client whose ex kept sending forty-page emails every time she wanted to change a pickup time. Nothing I tried as a lawyer was working. I had her start responding with one sentence summaries and the proposal question. Within three exchanges, the back-and-forth dropped from roughly six messages per week to maybe two. The other side couldn't sustain the volume when every response required actual substance.
There are some nuances that don't come up in the basic descriptions. One thing people miss is that the friendly part matters more than most attorneys want to admit. If your response reads even slightly sarcastic, a high-conflict person will latch onto the tone and ignore your entire message. I once had a situation where a co-parent responded to my BIFF reply by saying I was "being passive aggressive" and escalated the conflict for another month. The fix was swapping "I understand you feel" for "Thanks for letting me know" — not because it felt more honest, but because it removed the one weapon the other side used against us. Another counter-intuitive point: the proposal question only works if you actually respond within a reasonable window. I learned this the hard way when a client went four days without answering a message, then sent a furious follow-up saying I was ignoring him. When he finally did reply, I opened with "So what's your proposal?" He just doubled down on the original complaint because he'd already built up enough momentum. Timing matters. Respond within twenty-four hours if you can. The urgency keeps them from spiraling. The method has real limitations. It does not work on everyone. People with certain personality disorders or active substance abuse issues will not engage with this constructively. I've seen it fail completely in cases involving narcissistic personality disorder where the person simply cannot tolerate being asked for a proposal and instead escalates to legal threats or smear campaigns. In those situations, this approach can make things worse before it gets better, if it ever does.
It also doesn't replace proper legal strategy. Using "So Whats Your Proposal Bill Eddy" techniques in a custody case without having your filing strategy in order is just inviting the other side to exploit gaps in your paperwork. I recommend having a structured parenting plan drafted before you start deploying these communication techniques. The proposal method is a scalpel, not a whole surgical kit. If you want to use this, the best starting point is Eddy's own materials. He's written several books on the topic and his company, High Conflict Institute, has free resources and worksheets. The basic BIFF response template is available on their website at highconflictreinstitute.com. There's no paid software or special tool required. You just need to actually practice writing responses before you send them in an active conflict situation. Most people try it for the first time while already in the middle of a fight and it falls apart because they're still emotionally reactive.
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